Many times it’s easy to tell a woman she will get over the miscarriage. It’s easy to say ‘You’re young! You can make more’ it’s easy to tip toe around the topic and change the subject. The only thing no one else can feel is what that mother feels. You may see her and think she’s fine. What you don’t know is she is completely broken. She carries that pain with so much strength and dignity that she has forgotten what was “normal” before her pregnancy. It doesn’t matter if you lost your baby at 5 weeks or 20, that was HER baby, YOUR baby. You had dreams, plans, hope. You are allowed to feel all you are feeling and don’t let no one tell you otherwise.

The bond between mother and child becomes real the moment that test turns positive. Even when that pregnancy is unplanned the thought of that precious baby becomes all we think about. We protect it, began to pray for it, hold our stomaches to let the baby know ‘Mama’s here.’.

When that dream however is ripped from you either for medical reasons, domestic violence or nature’s way. It becomes a nightmare that replays constantly in your head. You feel empty, broken, unworthy, cheated, confused, mad at God and jealous of every other pregnant woman who gets to keep her baby. In the midst of feeing all this you will feel completely alone. For me that was my biggest struggle. Yes I have family and friends who try to be here for me but I’ve learned that if you’ve never gone through it you’ll never understand the pain that miscarriages and stillborn pregnancies bring.

While going through the initial emotions I remember being full of rage and hurt. I remember feeling that unbearable empty feeling and that anger I had towards God. I remember being so mad at him I said I was done talking to him. Two hours later I was back praying for strength because I knew I would not make it without him. I would let my mind wander and it would take me to a dark place. The comfort of the dark place was so inviting while I was grieving that I gave in. No longer feeling positive I contemplated what it would be like if I was no longer here. But God! He reminded me who I belong to and that trouble doesn’t last always. He told me he was preparing me for his plan and the journey he needed me to take. He put me here on this path to be a light to others. He kept me sane when I felt like my mind was going insane.

Since I lost my twins in February, God has placed three women in my path. Two who lost babies from late term miscarriages like me and one who suffers from post partum depression. If I wouldn’t have gone through I would never know what to tell these Ladies who reached out to me for help and I thank God I was able to offer some advice.

We never know what God has in store for us and we have to remember to not focus on what we want for ourselves but what God wants for us. His plan is the best plan and though it may be hard and seem confusing. You gotta trust him. Trust the process and always use your story to be a light to someone else. If you’re like me a part of the 1 in 4. I want you to know you are not alone. You are a child of God. Never forget who you belong to. I am here for you because I know how it feels. Remember God makes no mistakes and he placed those Angels in our lives to show us a love so pure so innocent that we too could come to him humbly like children and let him take control. You are not broken, you are being shaped into who God wants you to be.

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.”

Psalm 139:13-14 (ESV)

Love always,

Lanae.