Built Differently

I don’t think people understand that I’ve literally knocked on deaths door back in February when I gave birth to my twins. I was sick and septic. I was dying. Literally. I’m glad I’m still here. Thankful to be alive is an understatement but trust me when I say I promised myself to never settle again I meant that in every aspect of my life. Jobs, friends, relationships, self goals. I promised to be all I can. To live for my babies. To live for me. To live free, to live in peace.

I spent most of my life looking to please others. Looking to be liked and to fit in. It took me almost dying to see that I was different! I am different. I am different because I am a child of God. A God fearing Woman. A childless Mother. God built me different. He built me to withstand the strongest of storms. Emotional abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse, infidelity, carrying twins to 5 months pregnant and then loosing them. Now going through divorce and I’m only 25!

God kept me here when I was 14, and the pills seemed like the way to end it all. He comforted me when I felt all alone, he wiped my tears away and told me he loved me. God has literally been my rock for years and I’m so thankful. He is always there even when I stray. He always answers when I call. He carries me when I can’t seem to carry myself. I don’t say it lightly when I say God has brought me through the unimaginable.

From age 13-18 I was molested by a cousin. Someone the family loved, someone I loved, and someone who we all trusted. He was a good man we thought. He was becoming a preacher. But he had a secret. We had a secret. He used me. I really wanted to give up so many times but God told me to trust him. He had me.

I don’t know why but I have been carried through the wire and I truly feel like I need a break! Giving birth to twins who passed away. Then Covid came, then it was back to work and that’s a whole stress factor itself. It all is taking a toll on me. I’m just realizing I haven’t really processed it all. I have learned to cope with it, live with it but inside I’m screaming at the top of my lungs and the mother inside of me just weeps. I just wish someone would see it. Or say “I see you and I love you.” I just want someone to say “I got you.” And really mean it.

I don’t and won’t force anything now a days. Friendships, jobs and opportunities come a dime a dozen. One thing that’s for certain is God’s love for me. I have felt it first hand. I’ve felt that warm, safe, spirit and God has literally hugged me. I have friends who I thought were going to be around forever but they aren’t and I don’t even remember the last time we spoke. I also have friends I talk to every day. I thank God for those women because they were there for me when I didn’t even know I needed them.

I don’t know what God has planned for me. I don’t know if I’ll ever get remarried or have children but I do know God fulfills his promises. God will supply. God will give me peace and happiness and love. God will place people in my path for me. God will give me what I deserve because I have been faithful to him. I may stray and I may get off track. I’m not perfect. I curse. I sin. I am everything you want to think of me. But I am his daughter and he gave me the tools I need. I have a heart that’s bigger than I can understand and a soul that’s on fire. I am just getting started. I am going to be everything I dreamed of and more.

I am love, I am light, I am smart, I am Kind, I am beautiful. I am worth the moon and the stars and whoever doesn’t think I am can kiss it where the sun don’t shine!

I don’t know why but he gave me another chance. Someone once said I don’t serve a God who only gives second chances. The second has came and went a million times but he gave me another chance. Another chance to be better. A chance to change, a chance to live, again. This time with knowledge of who I belong too and how he built me differently. A heart of Gold, Wonder Woman, strong, beautiful, a blessing, teacher, friend, mamas. That’s what they call me now. But little do they know they have been a blessing to me. God sends the right people always at the right time. In the midst of my storms I will always trust him.

-Lovely Lanae Author and creator of Luna’s Dreams

I am love, I am light, I am smart, I am Kind, I am beautiful. I am worth the moon and the stars and whoever doesn’t think I am can kiss it where the sun don’t shine!

Lanae Jarrett Author and creator of Luna’s Dreams

For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

Blessed is she who believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her.

Luke 1:45

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Matthew 6:34

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

Matthew 6:25-26

Life is Good

Moving on is definitely not for the weak of heart. It takes courage, strength, a lot of determination to keep going. It takes a lot to ignore the pain of heart break and depression but with a strong mindset you can and will overcome the worst of situations.

Letting go is hard. There are times I miss the things we did. The way we used to laugh and vibe together. But the disrespect is something I can not ignore. I have to forgive because that’s the only way to heal but I will never forget the pain you caused. I walked away not knowing what to expect next, I walked away not knowing if I’d even be happy but I knew I had to get out. I knew I had to walk away. Though my future was now uncertain leaving was the only option.

Moving forward, I have chosen to be happy and I told myself I will never settle for less. I will hold my head high, hold myself and others accountable for their actions and I will protect my peace. I am enjoying the peace. I am happy in my peace. Content in my peace. Learning my self worth and learning to love myself has been nothing but beneficial to me and those in my life. I have learned to become positive and look at the glass half full. I have a new guy friend who is going through a divorce as well and let’s just say things have been going amazing. He’s definitely showing me the better side of life and what it’s like to be with a man who truly values family and God.

I am doing good though for those who are wondering. I’m finding peace, enjoying the present and looking forward to what God has in store for the future. I will continue to trust Gods plan. He never lets me down even in the midst of my darkest days. He is my refuge and my strength. Thanks to him life is good and I can’t complain at all.

Anointed Friend

The first three months of 2020 were very trying for me. Like very soul crushing, body rocking hard ass times. I lost my babies, I left my marriage, gave up my home, and the corona virus hit which made my whole routine come to a stop. I had no choice but to swallow my pride. Move in with my younger siblings and start over from scratch. I was tried emotionally and spiritually but I knew I wouldn’t make it without God. I knew he was the only one who could really understand me and my heart so I clung to him. I clung to him and I tried my hardest to keep it in.

It was one day in late March though that I just broke. It was like the shock had finally wore off and I had a release of so many emotions. I was so broken. I literally called everyone I could think of but no one answered. I was having a really bad panic attack and I just said ‘God help me!’. It was then that he placed a name on my heart for me to call. I hadn’t spoken to this individual for quite some time. We had a misunderstanding over of course my marriage but we got past it and as always because we are friends not only in love but in Christ. This girl has always held me accountable and for that I will always love her a little extra in my life no matter what we go through. We’re so tight we call each other cousins!

I called her and woke her from her sleep and for minutes she just listened to me cry. She listened and she told me ‘I’m here.’ That’s all she said. She waited until I was ready and then she asked ‘What’s wrong?’ And I responded ‘Everything. I just don’t know right now.’ She listened to me vent and cry and breathe and she heard my story and she understood me and spoke words to me that only she could’ve. She prophesied to me. She reminded me how strong I am and how she believed in me and loved me. Before this, we hadn’t spoken in a year, literally and she was still there for me and I’m so thankful because she saved my life that day.

God placed her in my life for a reason and at a young age. Do you know how important it is to have a friend since middle school still in your life? Do you know how important it is to have a friend who holds you accountable in Christ ? Someone who is truly anointed and walks with God. She is not perfect, none of us are but she walks with God in a different way. You can see it and if you knew her you’d know what I’m saying.

Having friendships is important. Having someone who you can call on is important, but having a friend who is rooted in Christ and will hold you accountable for your actions even when you don’t want to hear them is important. It’s important because that friend knows you. That friend has watched you grow and watched you fall. They will tell you when you’re falling off because they truly do want the best for you. It’s all out of love and it’s called accountability.

Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.”

1 Thessalonians 5:11

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.

Proverbs 27:17

Here’s the lesson: Use your worldly resources to benefit others and make friends. Then, when your earthly possessions are gone, they will welcome you to an eternal home.

Luke 16:9

Keep The Faith

For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

Growing up my Grandma Ruff aka Doll Baby, would tell the family, “Keep The Faith!”. In everything we did she reminded us to trust God and Keep our faith in him. As a teenager I heard her words but let them fall flat. I decided I was the ruler of my own fate. Little did I know God was going to take me through somethings that would give me no choice but to lean on him. To trust him and his plan. To Keep The Faith.

There are so many things lately that have been happening in my life lately that I’ve kind of been feeling like I’m just in a movie. I’ve been trying to make sense of a lot of things. Why did I go through this or why did I put up with that? Why does it seem like God is blessing everyone but me? Little did I know God was breaking me down to get me where he wanted me to be. He needed me to break so I could rely on him. One thing about God is he doesn’t bless mess.

I had to lose a lot to get the things I feel I was blessed with. I left my marriage and gave up an apartment, not knowing where I was going. But I know I needed to move. I lost my car but I didn’t care because it was tainted by sin. It had to go. I gave it all up and spent a month staying with my siblings and it was times I was just completely down and feeling broken, but God kept my mind going. He kept me focused and put his plan on my heart. He put me where I needed to be. He blessed me beyond measure. I was not lying when I said the Lord was preparing my table. It says it in Psalms 23. I believe that.

God will break you down just to show you he is the ruler of all. Two songs come into mind as I write this and I listen to them both daily. The first song is Gracefully Broken by Tasha Cobbs Leonard and the second one is You’re Bigger by Jekalyn Carr. Check them out on YouTube and listen to them while you’re alone and just listen to the words and ask God to do what he needs to in your life. Ask him to remove anything and anyone sent to hinder his plan. Nothing can stop God and nothing can separate you from him.

Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow–not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.”

Romans 8:38

I will forever praise God for his blessings seen and unseen because without him I would still be in the mess that broke me. Without Gods love I don’t know if my mind would be sane to go on. I’m not bragging but I simply wanted to share how God will be with you every step of the way, in all the hurt and chaos. You don’t understand it now, I know. But trust me and more importantly trust God and that he knows what he’s doing. He’s got you. He always has. Even in the hardest of times God is with you. Like my Granny would say ‘Keep The Faith!’

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

A Gentle Mother’s Day wish

To every Mother who holds a child either in her arms or her heart I wish you well today and always !

Lovely Lanae

It’s Mother’s Day and I’ll be honest I woke up not knowing what to expect. Will I be sad? Will I be okay? I was planning to have my baby shower the day before on May 9th. I was due next month. I didn’t know if anyone would forget or wish me well today. I was afraid to say anything because I didn’t want to “rain on the day”.

As the day went by and the morning progressed, coffee made, Gospel music playing and my morning Sunday rituals went on. I was greeted with love from all over, family, friends and strangers. All checking on me and wishing me well today. They made me remember I’m not alone. Once again God put people in my life to remind me he is here and will carry me even when I feel weak. My shepherd he comforts me.

I thank everyone today for keeping my spirts high. Thank you for remembering me and I wish every MAMA a very special and gentle Mother’s Day to all of us. God is with us ALL!

Ending the fight

“All my life I had to fight. I had to fight my daddy. I had to fight my brothers. I had to fight my cousins and my uncles. A girl child ain’t safe in a family of men. But I never thought I’d have to fight in my own house!”

Sophia, The Color Purple

One thing I don’t understand is how you can hurt the one you say you love. How do you sleep at night knowing you’ve caused so much pain? Do you think cheating is okay? Do you think hitting a woman is okay? Do you think because I don’t see it, it won’t hurt? Whatever your reason is, it’s foolish. You see God has revealed to me your wrong doings time and time again. He had shown them to me. It was never in the dark.

Everything you did came to the light. But the one thing you hid well was the fact you couldn’t control your anger when you got caught so you of course took that out on my body. You thought I would be the girl you could hit. You thought I was the girl who would be too afraid to fight back. Sir, I am my daddy’s child. I will fight you first and think later. The fight or flight in me is always to fight! To survive! You weren’t the first to abuse me. Mental, physical , and sexual abuse I took all that from a young age and learned how to make it.

There comes a time though when all a woman wants is peace. They say women should be a mans peace but let’s be honest we’ve been the peace in their storms for years. I refuse to sit and complete another cycle of abuse. I refuse to repeat generational curses. Naw, see I want a man who brings me peace. Someone who can grow with me and love me slowly. Show me how to do better and be better so we can be the best together. A man who can show me how a ‘little boy’ minded man could never.

There’s one thing that life has taught me, God has always had me. Through the years of lies, humiliation, heartbreak and tears God was counting. He was counting and he was watching. I’m not perfect, I am not a victim but I am a fighter. I am a survivor and I will always be the one who got away.

They say…

They ask how I’m doing I say I’m fine. I don’t know if they believe me but really I’m fine. See this life I’m living I realized is meant for me. This life has tried to break me but Gods love has covered my journey. You see another person couldn’t walk this path. This one was built for me. He placed me here to stand up for others and speak up because I have a voice that refuses to be silenced. The Lord has blocked attacks unseen and he has made my enemies fold.

They ask if I regret loving him but I don’t. You see I loved someone who wasn’t ready for the love I had to give. Yes it hurt me but it taught me so much more. It taught me to love myself. The heartbreak from the cheating, the trauma from the abuse, the grief from the miscarriages. It all taught me how to fight for myself a little harder and to realize who I belong to. My daddy’s child. My moms child, God’s child. Every time he did wrong God placed a blessing in my life just for me. God kept me going because he needed me to tell a story only I could tell.

They say… ‘I didn’t know he hit you.’

Why would you? Do you think every abused woman will scream out for help?

They say… ‘You didn’t look like you were abused.’

How was I supposed to look?

They say… ‘You never told anyone!’

I told who needed to know. My family wanted me to do better , his family made excuses. They said I started it, because that’s what he told them.

They say…‘Why didnt you just leave?’

Well…why wouldn’t I stay? Things were good, then they weren’t. It was a cycle. I still believed he could change.

They say…‘Well what did you do to get him so upset?’

I found out he was cheating and confronted him. Time after time….but does it really matter?

Here’s what I say…

What I don’t I understand is why we are so quick to ask what happened and why when we should ask how are we raising our sons? Why are there so many men who can raise their hands to women instead of raising their communication levels and intellectual abilities to grow and develop in a mutual relationship? Why are we still making excuses for them? No woman is here to tolerate years of emotional heartache for anyone. No one should be waiting on someone to ‘Act Right’. That’s foolish. I refuse to repeat the cycle.

How it feels

Do you know how I feels to have to say goodbye to someone you thought the world of? Love comes to us many times and in many ways. But the best one is the unexpected.

It was like I already knew you. You comforted me, inspired me, and made me smile. You would look at me like I was the only girl in the world, like I was the world. Your world.

Everything we needed you provided. Materially. But the lack of providing loyalty was easily overlooked. I wanted you. Wanted to keep you. But why you? I noticed the red flags but I ignored them because at this point it was too late and I was in love. I prayed for you and stayed beside you letting you fill my ears with broken promises and your lies tugging on my heart for sympathy because you say you can’t control your actions.

Do you know how it feels to stay loyal when someone crushes your heart? I do. I stayed loyal after I found out about this girl, that girl and the next. Ignoring the rationality of leaving. Forgetting that I was the prize and putting him before me. Do you know how it feels to stand at the alter and make vows for them to crumble into a million little pieces? I do. Have you ever felt the loss of two babies you prayed for? He prayed for? He begged for? Tried for?

Do you know how it feels to find out your husband was having an affair while your 3 months pregnant with his kids? I do. Do you know how it feels to be hit and mentally abused while pregnant because your husband was mad you called his mistress?

Do you know how it feels to have your in-laws blame you for calling the cops when you needed help? Do you know how it feels to to be taunted by your husband’s concubine before and after the loss of your children? Do you know how it feels to know he still contacts her even after she wished death on his unborn kids? Do you know what it’s like to want to let go but you feel so stuck.

Do you know what it’s like to promise your Angel babies and yourself you are through? Do you know how it feels to tell yourself you are worth so much more? Do you know how it feels to find strength to walk away? I do.

I know how it feels to walk away and though it hurts I know God is going to replace everything I lost with an abundance of blessings. I’m not sad anymore, I’m not sad because I know my babies are in heaven. They’re good. I know God will bless me because I have been faithful and kept his word.

Do you know how it feels to find peace in knowing God will prepare a table for you in the presence of your enemies? I do.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Psalms 23:5

“Do not touch my anointed or do my prophet any harm.”

Psalms 105:14-15

The Pain that broke my soul

Like many young women I never really paid attention to miscarriages, stillborn risk or anything society would deem “too sensitive to talk about”. I always thought that miscarriages sucked but it was God’s will and you just had to get over it because it happens. I’m not going to lie I was insensitive about the topic but I always felt bad for the woman going through. What do you say to her? I had never been pregnant so I had no clue what it was like. Until I did. I remember the horrible back pain, feeling like my body was a rock and then the blood. The blood was so traumatizing.

It was Valentine’s Day night and I was alone because my husband was working overnight. The entire day at work I was having horrible back pain. Pain so bad I could barely walk at times but I am a early head start teacher and the little ones don’t wait for anyone.

That evening while at home being a first time mom you think ‘maybe it’s just back pain. It will go away.’ I didn’t want to go to the hospital because I was sure they’d give me Tylenol and send me back home. ‘Everything was fine at my last appointment so I’m sure I’ll be okay’ is what I told myself.

I went to sleep that night at 10 pm and woke up around midnight and that’s when I saw the blood. I was alone and all I could do was keep myself calm. I began to shake. ‘What do I do?’ Called my husband no answer . Kept calling no answer. I called my sister she was out of town. No choice but to go by ambulance. The paramedics arrive and tell me I’m in active labor. I didn’t believe them. I’m only 5 months I said. Even though I seen the blood I was in shock and couldn’t believe God was taking away the thing I prayed for the most.

In the ER it seemed like I waited forever to hear them say baby A no longer has a heartbeat. I remember saying “Lord let me keep one.” I began to plead with him. Only my dad was with me. All night by my side. My husband wasn’t there. Unfortunately my mom was sick so she couldn’t be there. I remember the contractions and the painful things I had to endure to give birth to a stillborn baby girl at 07:24 am 2.15.2020, after 23 hours of natural labor and I named her Luna Nicolle Mesa.

After what seemed like forever waiting to hear if the other baby was okay. They told me because Luna had passed away a week before delivery I now had an infection that spread into my body and to the other baby. He was sick and I was septic. I had to deliver him too. That’s when everything felt surreal. I remember watching him for the last time on that sonogram screen. Sucking his thumb, kicking, to me he was fine. He was perfect. His heartbeat was 167. He’s strong. But they say he won’t make it because he’s too little. Still racing against time because I was beginning to fade. My heartbeat was slower, my blood pressure was low and I was in and out of consciousness.

I remember the doctors voice asking if I agreed. I remember shaking my head yes when my soul was screaming no. I remember thinking I’ll take my chances and if we both die so be it. But I chose to live. That day I also gave birth to a perfect little boy at 12:08 pm he passed during birth. His name is Anthony Emmanuel Mesa meaning God is with us.

I remember being in that bed once my husband showed up. I was hurt but I still wanted him. I wanted him but I hated him. I was feeling so much guilt and so empty inside I remember wanting to die. I would wake up crying. I just wanted to scream. On the outside I was fine. I looked normal.

The pain of loosing children before you meet them is a pain I’d never wish on anyone. I know now how that pain breaks you. I know how it stays forever. I know how it feels to have dreams and to see them crumble before your eyes. I know now because I’ve been through it. But more importantly God is teaching me how to live through it. If you have been through this or something similar please remember

You are never alone and God will carry you even when you can’t carry yourself just like he’s doing for me.

Love always,

Lanae

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is going to be revealed to us.

Romans 8:18

Dear Childless Mother, You are not alone.

Many times it’s easy to tell a woman she will get over the miscarriage. It’s easy to say ‘You’re young! You can make more’ it’s easy to tip toe around the topic and change the subject. The only thing no one else can feel is what that mother feels. You may see her and think she’s fine. What you don’t know is she is completely broken. She carries that pain with so much strength and dignity that she has forgotten what was “normal” before her pregnancy. It doesn’t matter if you lost your baby at 5 weeks or 20, that was HER baby, YOUR baby. You had dreams, plans, hope. You are allowed to feel all you are feeling and don’t let no one tell you otherwise.

The bond between mother and child becomes real the moment that test turns positive. Even when that pregnancy is unplanned the thought of that precious baby becomes all we think about. We protect it, began to pray for it, hold our stomaches to let the baby know ‘Mama’s here.’.

When that dream however is ripped from you either for medical reasons, domestic violence or nature’s way. It becomes a nightmare that replays constantly in your head. You feel empty, broken, unworthy, cheated, confused, mad at God and jealous of every other pregnant woman who gets to keep her baby. In the midst of feeing all this you will feel completely alone. For me that was my biggest struggle. Yes I have family and friends who try to be here for me but I’ve learned that if you’ve never gone through it you’ll never understand the pain that miscarriages and stillborn pregnancies bring.

While going through the initial emotions I remember being full of rage and hurt. I remember feeling that unbearable empty feeling and that anger I had towards God. I remember being so mad at him I said I was done talking to him. Two hours later I was back praying for strength because I knew I would not make it without him. I would let my mind wander and it would take me to a dark place. The comfort of the dark place was so inviting while I was grieving that I gave in. No longer feeling positive I contemplated what it would be like if I was no longer here. But God! He reminded me who I belong to and that trouble doesn’t last always. He told me he was preparing me for his plan and the journey he needed me to take. He put me here on this path to be a light to others. He kept me sane when I felt like my mind was going insane.

Since I lost my twins in February, God has placed three women in my path. Two who lost babies from late term miscarriages like me and one who suffers from post partum depression. If I wouldn’t have gone through I would never know what to tell these Ladies who reached out to me for help and I thank God I was able to offer some advice.

We never know what God has in store for us and we have to remember to not focus on what we want for ourselves but what God wants for us. His plan is the best plan and though it may be hard and seem confusing. You gotta trust him. Trust the process and always use your story to be a light to someone else. If you’re like me a part of the 1 in 4. I want you to know you are not alone. You are a child of God. Never forget who you belong to. I am here for you because I know how it feels. Remember God makes no mistakes and he placed those Angels in our lives to show us a love so pure so innocent that we too could come to him humbly like children and let him take control. You are not broken, you are being shaped into who God wants you to be.

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.”

Psalm 139:13-14 (ESV)

Love always,

Lanae.