I don’t think people understand that I’ve literally knocked on deaths door back in February when I gave birth to my twins. I was sick and septic. I was dying. Literally. I’m glad I’m still here. Thankful to be alive is an understatement but trust me when I say I promised myself to never settle again I meant that in every aspect of my life. Jobs, friends, relationships, self goals. I promised to be all I can. To live for my babies. To live for me. To live free, to live in peace.
I spent most of my life looking to please others. Looking to be liked and to fit in. It took me almost dying to see that I was different! I am different. I am different because I am a child of God. A God fearing Woman. A childless Mother. God built me different. He built me to withstand the strongest of storms. Emotional abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse, infidelity, carrying twins to 5 months pregnant and then loosing them. Now going through divorce and I’m only 25!
God kept me here when I was 14, and the pills seemed like the way to end it all. He comforted me when I felt all alone, he wiped my tears away and told me he loved me. God has literally been my rock for years and I’m so thankful. He is always there even when I stray. He always answers when I call. He carries me when I can’t seem to carry myself. I don’t say it lightly when I say God has brought me through the unimaginable.
From age 13-18 I was molested by a cousin. Someone the family loved, someone I loved, and someone who we all trusted. He was a good man we thought. He was becoming a preacher. But he had a secret. We had a secret. He used me. I really wanted to give up so many times but God told me to trust him. He had me.
I don’t know why but I have been carried through the wire and I truly feel like I need a break! Giving birth to twins who passed away. Then Covid came, then it was back to work and that’s a whole stress factor itself. It all is taking a toll on me. I’m just realizing I haven’t really processed it all. I have learned to cope with it, live with it but inside I’m screaming at the top of my lungs and the mother inside of me just weeps. I just wish someone would see it. Or say “I see you and I love you.” I just want someone to say “I got you.” And really mean it.
I don’t and won’t force anything now a days. Friendships, jobs and opportunities come a dime a dozen. One thing that’s for certain is God’s love for me. I have felt it first hand. I’ve felt that warm, safe, spirit and God has literally hugged me. I have friends who I thought were going to be around forever but they aren’t and I don’t even remember the last time we spoke. I also have friends I talk to every day. I thank God for those women because they were there for me when I didn’t even know I needed them.
I don’t know what God has planned for me. I don’t know if I’ll ever get remarried or have children but I do know God fulfills his promises. God will supply. God will give me peace and happiness and love. God will place people in my path for me. God will give me what I deserve because I have been faithful to him. I may stray and I may get off track. I’m not perfect. I curse. I sin. I am everything you want to think of me. But I am his daughter and he gave me the tools I need. I have a heart that’s bigger than I can understand and a soul that’s on fire. I am just getting started. I am going to be everything I dreamed of and more.
I am love, I am light, I am smart, I am Kind, I am beautiful. I am worth the moon and the stars and whoever doesn’t think I am can kiss it where the sun don’t shine!
I don’t know why but he gave me another chance. Someone once said I don’t serve a God who only gives second chances. The second has came and went a million times but he gave me another chance. Another chance to be better. A chance to change, a chance to live, again. This time with knowledge of who I belong too and how he built me differently. A heart of Gold, Wonder Woman, strong, beautiful, a blessing, teacher, friend, mamas. That’s what they call me now. But little do they know they have been a blessing to me. God sends the right people always at the right time. In the midst of my storms I will always trust him.
-Lovely Lanae Author and creator of Luna’s Dreams
I am love, I am light, I am smart, I am Kind, I am beautiful. I am worth the moon and the stars and whoever doesn’t think I am can kiss it where the sun don’t shine!Lanae Jarrett Author and creator of Luna’s Dreams
For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.Jeremiah 29:11
Blessed is she who believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her.Luke 1:45
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”Matthew 6:34
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?Matthew 6:25-26